Self-affirmation exercise

   Stand in front of a mirror and say to yourself, in your head, the following positive statement: "I accept myself and love myself just as I am", or perhaps "I recognise myself as a worthy person", etc. Try to find a phrase that really strikes a chord with you, i.e. one that actually seems "unacceptable" at the moment. It will be even more effective if you say your chosen phrase out loud. Repeat this exercise every day, trying to really feel the affirmation. In your daily life, you will find that you are confronted with situations that challenge you to apply this new precept. As the days go by, you yourself will see how you are developing, as you repeat your key phrase.

   For self-affirmation to work, you need to be true and sincere, i.e. in touch with yourself, as you are deep down. So you need to have dropped the masks that the people around you have encouraged you to wear. How can you do this?

   First of all, apply yourself to consciously feeling things. When you find yourself in front of someone, listen to them attentively, without immediately starting to reply from the head. If you remain "in your head" (your mind), you short-circuit your emotions, you don't give yourself an opportunity to feel. Yet it's this process that allows you to establish the difference between you and the other person, like a boundary between your environment and your self. You become a separate individual in your own right when you allow yourself to feel freely, without holding back in any way. You don't allow the other person to gain control over you. After allowing a moment to feel what your interlocutor stirs inside you, with their attitude or their words, name this feeling in your mind.

   The next step is to verbally express your feelings to the other person: this is the trickiest part. Normally, we avoid this, because it is not conventional or because we don't want to offend the other person. But in doing this, we are giving them power over ourselves. One of the best ways of affirming yourself is to express your attitudes, your emotions, your feelings.

   Naturally, you need to take some precautions. They key is to express yourself in a personal way, i.e. by formulating phrases that begin with "I", for example:  

   "I have the impression that…", "I sense that…", "I have the feeling that…", or "What you say makes me…", etc.

   There is a world of difference between phrases like: "You are threatening me" or "You are unfair" AND "I feel threatened by your words" or "I don't feel that is fair". In the first case, you are judging or accusing the other person, but in the second case, you are merely stating your personal position, which only involves yourself. This option is preferable because it leaves some distance between you and the person you are talking to. When you say "I can't agree with you" instead of "What you say is wrong", you keep the focus on yourself, you are asserting the difference between you without attacking the other person. You get fully involved in the exchange in a mature way, and you make yourself heard and respected. You don't put yourself in the firing-line or damage the integrity of the person you are talking to, as long as you are speaking about yourself. And by allowing yourself to express your feelings, you are truly affirming yourself.

Practise this exercise at every opportunity you can find. Start with people you know well and can trust, then expand the field to include other people.