The road to self-fulfilling

Very few people seem from an early age to be what we all would like to be: self-confident, determined and uncompromising at key moments in life. For most of us, the road to self-confidence – to the certainty about what we can do and how we bend our innermost selves - is long and difficult. Life requires a balancing act between individuals and the community. Hardly anybody learns to do this without performing contortions from time to time. We keep forgetting to listen to our heart and soul. Sometimes self-liberation means saying goodbye to a job we don’t like, a partner who cannot come to terms with the fact that we can’t stay as we were, as we knew each other; from friends who cannot keep up with our changes. A world that eats us up instead of taking us as we are is not a world for us. An “I” who wears camouflage goes under. First one only notices it on the very outside, at the edge of consciousness, on the surface of the soul, on the skin: “I must change something!” Anyone who doesn’t listen to that inner voice will see their outline become blurred. “What do I want here?” – "Why do I still go along with that?" In the end you feel as if you are drained, undermined by the other people’s differences.

It doesn’t make it easier that to find our identity we must play not just one role but rather numerous ones. At work we must, in spite of difficulties, always be professional. Our partner expects us to be sensitive. Our friends want to be entertained. As parents we should act consistently, as children be understanding with the habits of older people. Generally, our character only corresponds to part of existing expectations. We must accept that they cannot all be fulfilled. Our strengths are our weaknesses - and vice versa. Those who are appreciated by their friends because they are impulsive and openhearted, shout impatiently at their children. Those for whom family and friends are the highest priority shouldn't be surprised if they don’t have a wonderful career. And a woman with a winning personality who has reached a management position will not be an unassuming companion for her partner. Whoever wants us must take us as we are. With all of our pluses and minuses.

As an example of a bad emotion it is now clear that your heart and above all your soul need relief. To get your emotions under control it is first necessary to: get rid of your feelings of guilt.

Feelings of guilt are a torment. They can make you depressed or even ill and destroy feelings of self worth. The following five steps will help you set yourself free without letting you avoid taking responsibility for your behaviour.

The past cannot be undone, regardless of how sorry you are. But you can learn from it. Draw clear conclusions for yourself: what do I never again want to do? How do I want to behave from now on? In that way, focus your attention constructively on the present.

Don’t stay silent because you’re ashamed of your guilt. Speak about it with people you trust. They should have no prejudices and should be able listen carefully. And they should not tend to condemn you or to simply appease you: “That's not so bad” If you can find nobody around you with such gifts then you should maybe look for professional advice. This way you will relieve your heart and through talking things through you may see another point of view.

Our subconscious is a hard judge. It can make us punish ourselves because of our guilt. For example by making us sick or undermining our happiness or success. However, it is soothed as soon as we make good our mistakes. Ideally, of course, with the people we wronged. Ask for forgiveness. Ask yourself what exactly you must do, so that your remorse is accepted. If it is not possible to make up with the person in question because they do not want to or you can't reach them, then look for other people on their behalf. Make personal sacrifices, for example by doing some social work, donating some money, and giving time or support. Do it being fully aware that: I am now making up for what I did.

You probably knew perfectly well that your behaviour was wrong, for example, that you should not deceive your partner, hurt your parents or recklessly handle other people's money. That does not mean, however, that you could have behaved better. Perhaps you lacked the willpower, your need for love and self-affirmation was too strong, or you were going through a difficult time. At the time you acted as you could. But you are now cleverer; you have developed and look at things from another point of view. Make allowances therefore for the person you used to be.

Thinking about guilt all the time is a form of vanity. Take your actions seriously but not too seriously. In the end the world doesn't go under simply because you behaved badly. Those concerned by your guilt obviously have the opportunity to once again improve their lives. Therefore, don't make a scapegoat of yourself forever. It is understandable that you feel rage, revenge and mourning for a while. However, anybody who makes you pay for an error until the end of your days will exercise total control over you. Refuse to play this game.

When your heart and soul say "no" then also very firmly control your feelings:

You don’t want it, have no time or don’t feel like it, but you can't refuse. Lots of people are like that. We explain why and show you alternatives.

It’s hard to say “no”: Even as a small child you learned to worry about the well-being of those around you. You don’t want to disappoint, hurt or injure anyone. If you do so, you are plagued by feelings of guilt.

Refusing upsets your social potential: you like to see yourself as a true girlfriend, good mother, loyal colleague and imaginative lover. Thus it is not appropriate to rebuff a plea or refuse to help out.

Refusing makes you unpopular: your reputation is damaged. In the end you are less valued or loved because you are so dismissive.

Refusing can be dangerous. By refusing you can make enemies. This could have a negative effect on your career, your family or your neighbourhood.

Of course you want harmony and to avoid harsh refusals. So either say "yes" and get annoyed with yourself later - it doesn't feel good in your heart or your soul, or make up white lies and excuses. As a result, you indeed get some breathing space in the short term, but in the long run you are put under even more pressure. Your refusal is only deferred, not definitive. So just say: refusing is good! It improves your self-esteem, protects you, and saves you time and energy. And the consequences are usually not as serious as you would have imagined. Particularly if you are aware of the ways in which you can largely neutralise their potential negative effects.